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sal_si_puedesSeries: Sal Si Puedes (IV 7/13)
Chapter title: A Tighter Clasp
Author: Becca (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aqua_alta)
Rating: R
Pairing: Severus/Remus
Disclaimers: Severus, Remus, Dumbledore, Harry and everything else in this fic are not mine. Everything belongs to JKR. There is no intention of making money with this.
A/N: I dedicate this chapter to my betA. Without her I would have confronted you with a complete disaster ;-)
Sal Si Puedes - A Tighter Clasp
Remus insisted on returning to Hogwarts the next morning. His wounds had healed and he still felt hopeful and confident. During breakfast he had been cheerfully feeding little Emily and had tried to entertain Ellen and Harry with amusing stories of how the Marauders had roamed the grounds of Hogwarts back in his school days. Secretly Harry and his wife had exchanged worried looks when Remus' eyes were distracted by their daughter.
They didn't have to take him to the castle, he told them and left their house, humming.
A short "I'm back, Albus" informed the headmaster of his return and he went to his old room immediately. But as soon as he reached it a familiar numbing tiredness overwhelmed him. "I've been in and out of this room far too often", he muttered to himself as he stretched out on the bed. "This time I'm going to stay."
*****
The next two weeks went almost smoothly. Remus greeted Severus smilingly every morning at breakfast but otherwise kept out of his way. He pretended not to perceive the rejection with which Severus continued to treat him, or Dumbledore's worried attention.
"I know I have to allow Severus time to realise I would never betray him, I have to give him time to trust me again", he wrote to Harry. "I trust him, Harry, and I have to be patient. There's no other way but the slow, careful approach if I ever want to convince him to undo the Charm. I know I'll have to do it his way. I'm confident everything will work out in the end."
On the first day of week before the full moon Remus went down to the dungeons in the evening to offer his help with the Wolfsbane Potion. Dumbledore had told him that Severus had agreed to continue preparing it for him. Severus listened to Remus' offer silently. When Remus had finished, he raised an eyebrow, snorted, turned his back on Remus and started to crush asphodel roots.
Remus had almost left Severus' private laboratory, but then he hesitated and decided to take the next step. He coughed. Snape didn't turn.
"Severus", he said calmly.
"What is it, Lupin?" Severus swirled around. "I think you ought to have noticed by now that I'm not interested in your help or anything else you have to offer."
"It's not about my helping you, Severus. It's about..." Remus looked straight into his eyes, "the Charm." When Severus didn't break the eye contact, Remus continued. "Would you... would you perhaps... have you ever... so much as considered undoing it...?"
"Get out, Lupin. Now."
*****
The full moon approached. On the day before the night of it, Harry received an owl.
~ Need your help. Please come immediately. R. ~
When Harry arrived, Remus was pacing his room restlessly. Harry recognised the usual effects of lycanthropy. Remus had lost weight, the lines in his face seemed deeper, and his movements were strained and nervous, almost beyond his control.
"Harry, thank God, you're here!" But there was something else. Fear, or perhaps desperation.
"What's the matter, Remus? Your letter sounded very urgent and-"
"Stun me, Harry."
"What?" Harry asked perplexed.
"I'm about to make one of the greatest mistakes of my life and you have to prevent me from doing so. Stun me." Remus positioned himself in front of Harry and closed his eyes, expecting the spell to hit him.
"Remus, I-"
"There is no time for discussions. Do it. Now." Remus opened his eyes again and licked his lips. He swallowed. "You have to keep me under the spell until the moon rises, until I transform, and tomorrow everything will be all right again." Again he forced his body to relax and waited for the words of the spell.
"Remus! Listen to me. It's impossible. You can't be stunned for so many hours, it would hurt you badly; I think that it might even kill you. It's too dangerous, especially before your transformation."
"Shit! Shit, Harry." Remus looked at him desperately. "I hadn't thought about that. You're right. But there has to be... I can't... you have to do something..." Suddenly his face assumed a determined expression. He sat down on one of his chairs and rested his hands on its arms. "Bind me."
"Remus..."
"Harry. Do what I say. Please. Bind me to this chair and don't release me until moonrise. No matter what I tell you. Okay? Please. Promise? Harry?"
Harry hesitated for a moment but then he drew his wand and cast a spell that bound Remus to the chair. Ropes wound around his ankles, knees, and wrists and around his chest. "Okay", he said slowly.
Remus tried to relax but his body started to fight the ropes immediately. "Oh, Harry, just a moment, please. There's something I forgot..." His eyes darted around the room. "Could you remove those again for a couple of minutes? I-"
"No matter what you were going to tell me, Remus. No. You're going to stay right where you are."
Remus hung his head and sighed.
"Thank you, Harry."
"And would you please be so kind now as to tell me why I'm doing this? Why am I tying my best friend to a chair?" Harry sat down on another chair, opposite to Remus.
Lupin shifted slightly.
"Remus?"
The werewolf bit his lips.
"Remus, I deserve an explanation." Harry's voice sounded angry.
"Please promise that you'll stay with me, Harry, okay? Please don't be mad at me," Remus begged.
"I promise. What's the matter?"
"I thought I could manage; I fooled myself into believing I could... I thought this would be bearable, but... I can't control myself. The last three weeks have been hell. But today it got even worse. I'm afraid that I... if I can't... I can't... I'm afraid I might hurt myself again." He tried to clench his hands into fists. The ropes cut into the skin around his wrists. Harry raised his wand to loosen them but Remus shook his head. "No." He took a deep breath.
"Severus... I need his touch. I... the moon... when I... I want him, Harry. I want him so much it's killing me."
"The bonds", Harry murmured.
"I'm such a fool. I should have let him take me that day... I still feel his lips on mine, I can still taste him, feel his hands." Remus tried to free his hands but the ropes held them in place. "Oh, gods, I'm such a fool! I probably wasted my last chance to... be with him."
"What happened that day?" All Harry had seen when Remus had come to his house three weeks earlier were the traces of the beating. Remus had refused to talk about the events that had taken place in the dungeons.
"I came to talk to him but he... he kissed me. He forced his kiss on me and he mocked my mouth. He knew there was no self-esteem left in me. He knew I'd come to be fucked and he told me so. I... I wanted him even then, Harry. I wanted him so desperately that I nearly... Oh, why didn't I...? He touched me but I couldn't... His words were so cruel and he... That was my last chance, Harry. I know it. And I let it go by." Remus bit his lips. They looked like thin, white lines, and tears were welling in his eyes. "I let it go by..."
"That wasn't your last chance, Remus. It was the best thing you could have done. To deny him, I mean. You-"
"But what if he never wants to touch me again?" His voice broke.
"And what if he does? Do you honestly think that you could bear his touch then? Do you think that after you'd let him...? Do you think you could bear it again? And do you think that he, when he... when the Charm is undone that he would ever dare touch you again if you'd let that happen?"
Remus stared at him blankly.
"He loves you, Remus", Harry said firmly. "I believe you. You told me you saw it in his eyes. You know him. And I believe you, Remus. I've never had much confidence in him but I believe you. This time I do." He wiped his face. "I can't explain why. It's just that... that I'm sure. You are sure, remember? He doesn't know he does now, but he loves you. And that's what you want. Love. Not humiliation. You have self-esteem. You proved it. You're proving it now."
"Harry, now? I don't care if he loves me or not. I'm a victim of my instincts, an animal. If I weren't bound I would be in his rooms with him now. I want to be fucked. It's all I can think of, all that I feel. He was right. He told me... When Voldemort called me a beast, he was right. Severus agrees with him and so do I. I don't care if he loves me. I just want him to touch me."
"Then why is it that you're here, bound to this chair?" Harry caught Remus' eyes and smiled.
"I have no idea! Because I'm a fool." Remus started to tug at the ropes violently. "Undo them, Harry. Let me have my chance. Please."
"No, Remus. I won't. I promised."
The tension left Remus' body; and if the ropes hadn't been there, he would have slid off the chair. "Oh, gods, he will never... I've lost him. He will never touch me again. I will never be able to feel his hands on me again. I don't know how I..."
"You're going to get through this, Remus."
"Yes, Harry." Defeated.
"What you've asked me to do shows your strength, Remus. It shows who you are and what you want."
"Yes, Harry. Everything." Weak, desperate. "Don't leave me." Frightened.
"You're strong, Remus." Remus shook his head at Harry's words. "You're not a beast. You love him. You're going to get through this. *We*'re going to get through this. I won't leave you."
Harry had no idea of what he had got himself into. It went on for hours. Remus begged him to release him, threatened him, accused him, wept. He shouted, whispered, pleaded. He tore at the ropes and the ropes cut into his skin. Harry healed his wounds.
Remus' arousal grew as the hours passed. At one point he muttered, not looking at Harry: "Just my hands, Harry, please. It hurts. Let me touch myself."
Harry shook his head. He thought of the Sirens.
*****
Remus was still bound to the chair. His head had dropped to his chest and his body was slowly rocking back and forth against the ropes. Harry felt exhausted; he was slipping into sleep, his grip on his wand loosened, when a sharp knock on the door made him jump up. Remus' head rose and his eyes were suddenly wide and alert.
"Severus...", he whispered.
"Lupin. Your potion." Severus' cool voice penetrated the door. He knocked again.
"Harry, please. Remove the ropes." Panic echoed in Remus' voice.
Harry shook his head again. "No matter what you say, I promised."
"Please. I release you from your promise. Just while he's in here. Please. He mustn't see me like this. Please, Harry." Remus' eyes pleaded with him. "Trust me, Harry. I swear I'm strong. I can be. You told me. I... I won't do anything. Just don't let him see me like this, please." Harry sighed. He raised his wand and let the ropes vanish. Remus didn't move.
"Come in," Remus called hoarsely. His hands clung to the arms of the chair.
Severus entered the room, carrying a goblet. "Your potion", he repeated. He turned his head slightly, said "Harry", and nodded in his direction. Briskly he walked over to where Remus was sitting and placed the goblet on the table, and then he returned to the door and opened it.
"It's time. Drink it right away." Remus still didn't move. "I said, drink it now." Remus remained motionless. "Lupin." Severus got impatient. "Your potion!"
"Thank you, Severus." Harry flinched at the forced calmness of Remus' words. He held his wand ready. From the corner of his eye he saw Severus' fingers fidgeting with the fastenings of his robes. They were not really trying to open them but rather mimicking the movements that would have been necessary to do so.
"Lupin, for Merlin's sake. What's wrong with you? Are you mad? You have to drink it now or it will be too late." Severus' eyes flickered as he approached Remus' chair.
Harry noticed that he had balled his hands into tight fists. "You look pale. What's wrong? If you don't drink it now it won't work. I'm not willing to take the responsibility of your letting your nature ruin the life of somebody innocent. I'm not going to take the blame for having failed, in case you..." he lowered his head. "You... you animal!" Severus spat the last word right into Remus' face. When Remus still wouldn't move he slapped him. "Wake up, you bastard! Don't spoil my work. Drink. Your. Potion!"
Harry got up and took a step towards them, tightening the grip on his wand. Seconds passed in silence.
Severus seemed alarmed. His eyebrow twitched and his arms trembled under the heavy cloth of his robes. "Fuck, Lupin. Are you deaf?" He hesitated. He turned around, took two steps towards the door, and came back to Remus' chair. His eyes darted between Harry and Remus, whose gaze seemed to be directed at some point near the door. Severus stretched out his hand, withdrew it again.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Finally he reached for Remus' right arm, tore it away from the arm of the chair, and felt his pulse. Once again Harry noticed how Severus' left hand crept up to his chest, fumbling with the fastenings of his robes. He wondered if Severus even realized what he was doing. Harry couldn't remember ever having seen his former potions master so nervous.
Harry's eyes then focused on Remus' face. Remus was indeed very pale. The veins in his temples throbbed, and he closed his eyes. While Severus was counting his pulse, Remus' lips moved slightly. "I'm all right, Severus", he managed to press through his gritted teeth. He painfully lifted his other hand and seized the goblet. Mechanically he moved it to his lips and drained it at one go.
Severus dropped Remus' hand and took the goblet from him. "Don't do that again, werewolf. Don't make me... Just don't do that again." He left the room without looking back.
The second the door fell shut Remus whispered: "Harry. Quick." Before he could rise, Harry had conjured the ropes again and bound him to the chair with them. "Soundproof", Remus hissed. Instantly Harry cast the spell at the door.
Remus screamed.
***tbc***
Chapter title: A Tighter Clasp
Author: Becca (
aqua_alta)Rating: R
Pairing: Severus/Remus
Disclaimers: Severus, Remus, Dumbledore, Harry and everything else in this fic are not mine. Everything belongs to JKR. There is no intention of making money with this.
A/N: I dedicate this chapter to my betA. Without her I would have confronted you with a complete disaster ;-)
Sal Si Puedes - A Tighter Clasp
Remus insisted on returning to Hogwarts the next morning. His wounds had healed and he still felt hopeful and confident. During breakfast he had been cheerfully feeding little Emily and had tried to entertain Ellen and Harry with amusing stories of how the Marauders had roamed the grounds of Hogwarts back in his school days. Secretly Harry and his wife had exchanged worried looks when Remus' eyes were distracted by their daughter.
They didn't have to take him to the castle, he told them and left their house, humming.
A short "I'm back, Albus" informed the headmaster of his return and he went to his old room immediately. But as soon as he reached it a familiar numbing tiredness overwhelmed him. "I've been in and out of this room far too often", he muttered to himself as he stretched out on the bed. "This time I'm going to stay."
*****
The next two weeks went almost smoothly. Remus greeted Severus smilingly every morning at breakfast but otherwise kept out of his way. He pretended not to perceive the rejection with which Severus continued to treat him, or Dumbledore's worried attention.
"I know I have to allow Severus time to realise I would never betray him, I have to give him time to trust me again", he wrote to Harry. "I trust him, Harry, and I have to be patient. There's no other way but the slow, careful approach if I ever want to convince him to undo the Charm. I know I'll have to do it his way. I'm confident everything will work out in the end."
On the first day of week before the full moon Remus went down to the dungeons in the evening to offer his help with the Wolfsbane Potion. Dumbledore had told him that Severus had agreed to continue preparing it for him. Severus listened to Remus' offer silently. When Remus had finished, he raised an eyebrow, snorted, turned his back on Remus and started to crush asphodel roots.
Remus had almost left Severus' private laboratory, but then he hesitated and decided to take the next step. He coughed. Snape didn't turn.
"Severus", he said calmly.
"What is it, Lupin?" Severus swirled around. "I think you ought to have noticed by now that I'm not interested in your help or anything else you have to offer."
"It's not about my helping you, Severus. It's about..." Remus looked straight into his eyes, "the Charm." When Severus didn't break the eye contact, Remus continued. "Would you... would you perhaps... have you ever... so much as considered undoing it...?"
"Get out, Lupin. Now."
*****
The full moon approached. On the day before the night of it, Harry received an owl.
~ Need your help. Please come immediately. R. ~
When Harry arrived, Remus was pacing his room restlessly. Harry recognised the usual effects of lycanthropy. Remus had lost weight, the lines in his face seemed deeper, and his movements were strained and nervous, almost beyond his control.
"Harry, thank God, you're here!" But there was something else. Fear, or perhaps desperation.
"What's the matter, Remus? Your letter sounded very urgent and-"
"Stun me, Harry."
"What?" Harry asked perplexed.
"I'm about to make one of the greatest mistakes of my life and you have to prevent me from doing so. Stun me." Remus positioned himself in front of Harry and closed his eyes, expecting the spell to hit him.
"Remus, I-"
"There is no time for discussions. Do it. Now." Remus opened his eyes again and licked his lips. He swallowed. "You have to keep me under the spell until the moon rises, until I transform, and tomorrow everything will be all right again." Again he forced his body to relax and waited for the words of the spell.
"Remus! Listen to me. It's impossible. You can't be stunned for so many hours, it would hurt you badly; I think that it might even kill you. It's too dangerous, especially before your transformation."
"Shit! Shit, Harry." Remus looked at him desperately. "I hadn't thought about that. You're right. But there has to be... I can't... you have to do something..." Suddenly his face assumed a determined expression. He sat down on one of his chairs and rested his hands on its arms. "Bind me."
"Remus..."
"Harry. Do what I say. Please. Bind me to this chair and don't release me until moonrise. No matter what I tell you. Okay? Please. Promise? Harry?"
Harry hesitated for a moment but then he drew his wand and cast a spell that bound Remus to the chair. Ropes wound around his ankles, knees, and wrists and around his chest. "Okay", he said slowly.
Remus tried to relax but his body started to fight the ropes immediately. "Oh, Harry, just a moment, please. There's something I forgot..." His eyes darted around the room. "Could you remove those again for a couple of minutes? I-"
"No matter what you were going to tell me, Remus. No. You're going to stay right where you are."
Remus hung his head and sighed.
"Thank you, Harry."
"And would you please be so kind now as to tell me why I'm doing this? Why am I tying my best friend to a chair?" Harry sat down on another chair, opposite to Remus.
Lupin shifted slightly.
"Remus?"
The werewolf bit his lips.
"Remus, I deserve an explanation." Harry's voice sounded angry.
"Please promise that you'll stay with me, Harry, okay? Please don't be mad at me," Remus begged.
"I promise. What's the matter?"
"I thought I could manage; I fooled myself into believing I could... I thought this would be bearable, but... I can't control myself. The last three weeks have been hell. But today it got even worse. I'm afraid that I... if I can't... I can't... I'm afraid I might hurt myself again." He tried to clench his hands into fists. The ropes cut into the skin around his wrists. Harry raised his wand to loosen them but Remus shook his head. "No." He took a deep breath.
"Severus... I need his touch. I... the moon... when I... I want him, Harry. I want him so much it's killing me."
"The bonds", Harry murmured.
"I'm such a fool. I should have let him take me that day... I still feel his lips on mine, I can still taste him, feel his hands." Remus tried to free his hands but the ropes held them in place. "Oh, gods, I'm such a fool! I probably wasted my last chance to... be with him."
"What happened that day?" All Harry had seen when Remus had come to his house three weeks earlier were the traces of the beating. Remus had refused to talk about the events that had taken place in the dungeons.
"I came to talk to him but he... he kissed me. He forced his kiss on me and he mocked my mouth. He knew there was no self-esteem left in me. He knew I'd come to be fucked and he told me so. I... I wanted him even then, Harry. I wanted him so desperately that I nearly... Oh, why didn't I...? He touched me but I couldn't... His words were so cruel and he... That was my last chance, Harry. I know it. And I let it go by." Remus bit his lips. They looked like thin, white lines, and tears were welling in his eyes. "I let it go by..."
"That wasn't your last chance, Remus. It was the best thing you could have done. To deny him, I mean. You-"
"But what if he never wants to touch me again?" His voice broke.
"And what if he does? Do you honestly think that you could bear his touch then? Do you think that after you'd let him...? Do you think you could bear it again? And do you think that he, when he... when the Charm is undone that he would ever dare touch you again if you'd let that happen?"
Remus stared at him blankly.
"He loves you, Remus", Harry said firmly. "I believe you. You told me you saw it in his eyes. You know him. And I believe you, Remus. I've never had much confidence in him but I believe you. This time I do." He wiped his face. "I can't explain why. It's just that... that I'm sure. You are sure, remember? He doesn't know he does now, but he loves you. And that's what you want. Love. Not humiliation. You have self-esteem. You proved it. You're proving it now."
"Harry, now? I don't care if he loves me or not. I'm a victim of my instincts, an animal. If I weren't bound I would be in his rooms with him now. I want to be fucked. It's all I can think of, all that I feel. He was right. He told me... When Voldemort called me a beast, he was right. Severus agrees with him and so do I. I don't care if he loves me. I just want him to touch me."
"Then why is it that you're here, bound to this chair?" Harry caught Remus' eyes and smiled.
"I have no idea! Because I'm a fool." Remus started to tug at the ropes violently. "Undo them, Harry. Let me have my chance. Please."
"No, Remus. I won't. I promised."
The tension left Remus' body; and if the ropes hadn't been there, he would have slid off the chair. "Oh, gods, he will never... I've lost him. He will never touch me again. I will never be able to feel his hands on me again. I don't know how I..."
"You're going to get through this, Remus."
"Yes, Harry." Defeated.
"What you've asked me to do shows your strength, Remus. It shows who you are and what you want."
"Yes, Harry. Everything." Weak, desperate. "Don't leave me." Frightened.
"You're strong, Remus." Remus shook his head at Harry's words. "You're not a beast. You love him. You're going to get through this. *We*'re going to get through this. I won't leave you."
Harry had no idea of what he had got himself into. It went on for hours. Remus begged him to release him, threatened him, accused him, wept. He shouted, whispered, pleaded. He tore at the ropes and the ropes cut into his skin. Harry healed his wounds.
Remus' arousal grew as the hours passed. At one point he muttered, not looking at Harry: "Just my hands, Harry, please. It hurts. Let me touch myself."
Harry shook his head. He thought of the Sirens.
*****
Remus was still bound to the chair. His head had dropped to his chest and his body was slowly rocking back and forth against the ropes. Harry felt exhausted; he was slipping into sleep, his grip on his wand loosened, when a sharp knock on the door made him jump up. Remus' head rose and his eyes were suddenly wide and alert.
"Severus...", he whispered.
"Lupin. Your potion." Severus' cool voice penetrated the door. He knocked again.
"Harry, please. Remove the ropes." Panic echoed in Remus' voice.
Harry shook his head again. "No matter what you say, I promised."
"Please. I release you from your promise. Just while he's in here. Please. He mustn't see me like this. Please, Harry." Remus' eyes pleaded with him. "Trust me, Harry. I swear I'm strong. I can be. You told me. I... I won't do anything. Just don't let him see me like this, please." Harry sighed. He raised his wand and let the ropes vanish. Remus didn't move.
"Come in," Remus called hoarsely. His hands clung to the arms of the chair.
Severus entered the room, carrying a goblet. "Your potion", he repeated. He turned his head slightly, said "Harry", and nodded in his direction. Briskly he walked over to where Remus was sitting and placed the goblet on the table, and then he returned to the door and opened it.
"It's time. Drink it right away." Remus still didn't move. "I said, drink it now." Remus remained motionless. "Lupin." Severus got impatient. "Your potion!"
"Thank you, Severus." Harry flinched at the forced calmness of Remus' words. He held his wand ready. From the corner of his eye he saw Severus' fingers fidgeting with the fastenings of his robes. They were not really trying to open them but rather mimicking the movements that would have been necessary to do so.
"Lupin, for Merlin's sake. What's wrong with you? Are you mad? You have to drink it now or it will be too late." Severus' eyes flickered as he approached Remus' chair.
Harry noticed that he had balled his hands into tight fists. "You look pale. What's wrong? If you don't drink it now it won't work. I'm not willing to take the responsibility of your letting your nature ruin the life of somebody innocent. I'm not going to take the blame for having failed, in case you..." he lowered his head. "You... you animal!" Severus spat the last word right into Remus' face. When Remus still wouldn't move he slapped him. "Wake up, you bastard! Don't spoil my work. Drink. Your. Potion!"
Harry got up and took a step towards them, tightening the grip on his wand. Seconds passed in silence.
Severus seemed alarmed. His eyebrow twitched and his arms trembled under the heavy cloth of his robes. "Fuck, Lupin. Are you deaf?" He hesitated. He turned around, took two steps towards the door, and came back to Remus' chair. His eyes darted between Harry and Remus, whose gaze seemed to be directed at some point near the door. Severus stretched out his hand, withdrew it again.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Finally he reached for Remus' right arm, tore it away from the arm of the chair, and felt his pulse. Once again Harry noticed how Severus' left hand crept up to his chest, fumbling with the fastenings of his robes. He wondered if Severus even realized what he was doing. Harry couldn't remember ever having seen his former potions master so nervous.
Harry's eyes then focused on Remus' face. Remus was indeed very pale. The veins in his temples throbbed, and he closed his eyes. While Severus was counting his pulse, Remus' lips moved slightly. "I'm all right, Severus", he managed to press through his gritted teeth. He painfully lifted his other hand and seized the goblet. Mechanically he moved it to his lips and drained it at one go.
Severus dropped Remus' hand and took the goblet from him. "Don't do that again, werewolf. Don't make me... Just don't do that again." He left the room without looking back.
The second the door fell shut Remus whispered: "Harry. Quick." Before he could rise, Harry had conjured the ropes again and bound him to the chair with them. "Soundproof", Remus hissed. Instantly Harry cast the spell at the door.
Remus screamed.
***tbc***
